A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
