she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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