did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
