So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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