you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
