oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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