is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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