I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
whose parrot is this?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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