I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
