Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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