The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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