On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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