he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
