I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
