I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
