I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
