I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
