I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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