I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
