Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
