I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
