Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Church boner. Awkwardddd
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
