What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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