from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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