Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
