the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
