Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
