sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
