i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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