My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
