dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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