I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
