I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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