Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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