are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
