My room smells like vodka and shame
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
