If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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