new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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