I want to walk on stilts...naked
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
