He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I need water and some morals
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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