Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
