I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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