$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
