No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
