I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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