Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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