as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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