you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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