Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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