every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
