whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Randomize
